So what does the new girl look like? I’m not trying to push your buttons, but isn’t that the first thing a woman asks herself when her man tells her he’s seeing someone else? And don’t think for a minute that men don’t ask themselves the very same thing. Certainly it’s different with a couple. They didn’t trade you in for a newer model because she was younger or sexier or better in any way – they traded you in for one reason, and only one – circumstance.

When it comes to relationships, be it romantic, just friends or family, circumstance never gets the recognition it deserves. Almost every relationship on the planet is heavily influenced, by circumstance. Once the passion recedes, the circumstances take over almost completely. The one-hour car ride in heavy traffic to his house that was originally “a good thing because I get to return a bunch of phone calls,” becomes just another miserable hour on the freeway. The fact that “we like different things and that keeps it fresh,” morphs into “If she talks about her cousin one more time I’ll blow one of our brains out.” Relationships don’t survive without circumstantial assistance. Being in a relationship is tough enough. Without favorable circumstances it’s almost impossible. You may have moved “only” a few blocks away, but you might as well have moved to China. It’s not you, it’s circumstance.

Besides, there comes a time in life when we simply don’t need to make new friends. I know, I know, that’s a very cynical and anti-social stance to take. Maybe so, but it’s also true. The last new friend I made was about five or six years ago. It was another dude and he was (and still is) a good guy, but I fought it every step of the way. A new friend? What is this, my first day at junior high school? Finally, I caved in and gave myself the speech… The “I don’t need a new friend, but I’ll do it one last time,” speech. You already have more friends than you know what to do with. Do you really have room for a “two-for-the-price-of-one” friendship anyway? And don’t you feel like a third wheel half the time? Besides, I don’t care what you say. The husband wanted to have sex with you – and probably still does.

New boyfriends? Of course you can. New girlfriends? On an extremely limited basis (and only if they’re hot). Now couples? Just say no.

It’s funny that after all this time you still consider having sex early in a relationship (or in the evening), “going too far.” Did I look away and you became a prude? What happened to my fun-loving friend who doesn’t look into the hidden meaning of everything? Oh wait, you’re a woman. I keep forgetting. Sex is not the third Mojito. Sex is the first Mojito. You should just slam it, and then decide if you want another one. Or another ten.

I think you just need to get back on the horse. I applaud you for running away from the Handyman as fast as you did, but maybe the clothes should have come off before the track shoes went on. You need an appetizer. You’re ready for the meal, but you haven’t eaten in so long you need to start slow – like with a few bites, then go for the gusto. I think you’ve gotten this whole year wrong. It shouldn’t be “If you build it, He will come.” It should have been, “He needs to build it so you can come.” Let the guys do the work. Walk out the door, shove your tits out, put a smile on your face and you’ll be drinking Mojito #1 (or is it 3) in no time.

I think women forget that men think with their dick first, and their head later. You all are so concerned with “will he like me?” that you miss the signs that yes, we like you and no, we don’t want to have a two hour conversation about it. We like you, we want to have sex with you, and if we still like you, we will call you. Which by the way, will happen if you let it. But women never let it work that way. It doesn’t have to be this big mystery. It doesn’t have to be a calculation of how many times you go out with us before you give it up. We want sex immediately. THEN we decide if we want to date you. That’s just the way it works. Sorry to break it to ya, pal.

So get out there, put on your best flirt, grab a dude and just lay one on him. It will break the ice and get you back on the horse. I know you can do it. You’re just out of practice. Just make sure he’s not wearing a tool belt this time.

And then you can have as many Mojitos as you want.

Personally, I can’t imagine my life without children, but maybe that’s the point. We can’t imagine our lives with children until we have them, and then we can’t imagine our lives without them once we do. You’ve been imagining your life with children since you were about six years old, but to your credit, you’ve never been consumed by the notion. There’s nothing more annoying than a woman whose sole purpose for being on this planet is to have a baby. Short of a muffin top and too much makeup, nothing could be less sexy. Maybe that’s because I’m a guy, and when we meet a woman like that we can feel our sperm start to swim upstream. When we meet a woman who’s never had a child, we start to feel like the toll booth on the Whitestone Bridge. Our financial statements become our personality and a nagging feeling that we are destined for a second place finish in our own home begins to form in our soul. I’m so glad you are not, nor have ever been that woman… It would have annoyed the hell out of me to be your friend.

On the other hand, you don’t pretend it doesn’t matter, either. It matters. Damn right it matters. You didn’t need to hold that perfect baby for it to matter… All he did was to bring that feeling to the surface. So be it. If you didn’t want a kid anymore, then I’d be worried. You know, without having lived it a single moment (yet), what I know from living it three times over – it’s the greatest feeling in the world. It’s the greatest joy known to mankind. It’s one of the few legitimate purposes we can have to live this life. As UN-sexy as it is for a woman to only want a baby or to never want a baby, that’s how warm and sexy it is for a woman to let her feelings be known in between. I’m not sure most men would agree with me on this, but I don’t need most men to agree with me on this – just the good ones.

As for freezing your eggs, or some other equally as technologically advanced form of improving your odds, who am I to say? If I were a woman, I wouldn’t do it… Plus, you need to get a dining room table because I have nowhere to set down my beer.

We don’t get everything we want in life, but I hope you get to have a child. All it takes is one.

I’m torn… The romantic side of me wants to hear you humming that Herman’s Hermits song to yourself. The “real me,” has already begun to make funeral arrangements for this “handy” new relationship of yours. Contrary to my cynical nature, I’ve never been a big fan of “taking it slow,” or holding back. Hell, I hold back about as consistently as I eat and breathe, so I realize that’s not the smartest attitude to have, but I figure if you’re not going to be crazy about a woman from the moment you meet her, when exactly are you going to be crazy about a woman? So I admire this guy’s rapid, yet still honorable courting of you. The guy digs you. Trust me… A guy doesn’t bring a woman coffee or mix a CD (and I made more than my share of mix tapes, back in the day) if he only wants to get laid. This guy doesn’t only want to have sex with you… This guy really likes you. Unfortunately…

Forget the age difference. That’s the least of your worries. Not to contradict myself, but the guy brings you coffee and makes you mix tapes? Please! What is this, Mayberry? As I said, I appreciate the sentiment… But those gestures should be saved for, oh I don’t know, sometime after the first three weeks? Personally, I’d save that shit for marriage if I were him.

What, you don’t like a nice, bushy set of nose hairs on a man? Shame on you. Actually no, shame on him. You know how I spent five minutes of my getting-ready time this morning? I trimmed and buzzed my nose hair until it couldn’t be seen without a search party. I’m no chick, but the extraneous hair that men grow needs to be kept out of sight. There’s no two ways about it.

As for the sobriety issue, all I can say is where I come from real men drink beer – at least sometimes. Hard liquor and wine are fine, but a real man takes his girl to a ballgame every now and then, and when he does, he drinks a beer with her and root, root, roots for the home team. That’s never going to happen with this guy. And you need it to.

The final nail in this coffin is that the guy is well over 40 and he’s never been married. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. When a guy older than 40 has never been married, there’s usually a reason for it. I don’t know how true that is about women, but it’s almost a certainty in a man.

Forget what I said earlier about “not sprinting in the other direction…” It’s time to reach for the track shoes. This is what happens when you set the bar high. Be grateful.

So, the big three, huh? There’s really no arguing with it. If you ace mind, body and spirit in this life, the rest will cease to matter. You don’t need to be Deepak Chopra to embrace this outlook. I may not live this, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe this… Maybe I should join you for this mind, body and spirit upgrade, or this making money, losing weight and getting laid upgrade, if you prefer.

Making money? I hear you. Let’s be thankful we’ve gotten to that point in life where there is no lingering, internal conflict about it. Making money is a good thing. We all have a right to do it, and we all define ourselves, to whatever degree by how well we do it. It may not keep us warm at night, but it sure does keep us dancing all day long. Just don’t forget to share.

Losing weight? This is where my version of the big three would differ. Personally, I think you worry about it too much. I think you give it too much weight in your life (pun intended). You know what they say about body type and body image – both are mostly defined by the parents. There’s nothing wrong with the body type you’ve been given. There’s everything wrong with the body image you’ve been taught.

Getting laid? Now we’re talking! Now we’re on the same page! What more worthwhile venture could we choose at this or any moment of our lives? There’s no denying the positive ripple effect that getting laid brings to our lives. We tip a little bigger, we let the car in front of us change lanes, and we laugh at bad jokes. Getting laid isn’t just about getting laid – getting laid opens our eyes and warms our hearts. Getting laid more often just might be the best idea you’ve had this year.

Meanwhile, there’s nothing wrong with a tool belt as long as the guy knows how every tool works. OK, I couldn’t resist. But are you trying to tell me that because he works with his hands and probably didn’t go to college that should matter? Shame on you! But also, shame on you for something else. He gets points for being “nice?” What exact species of asshole have you been dating recently? Being “nice” is about as difficult as saying hello. Being “nice” is one of the few qualities in a person we should always be able to take for granted. Being “nice” is the least of what you should ever look for in a man. The only thing worse than a quality woman thinking she’s not worthy of a particular type of man is when a quality woman, or any woman for that matter thinks she’s better, or above a particular type of man. You’re too good to fall into either category – so don’t.

Some things you might want to consider in your new place:

NEIGHBORS: Don’t even think about it. The LAST thing you want is to engage in any romantic or sexual interaction with some dude from 3B. When two neighbors get involved, the bar is lowered to just above ground level. “He’s OK… I mean, he’s not great-looking and he smells a bit and he’s not quite as smart as I usually like – but he’s right down the hall.” Only guys fall into that trap. We lower our standards all the time anyway, depending on how long the drought has lasted. Location, location, location is the rule of thumb in real estate – not romance.

LOCAL WATERING HOLE: Find one – immediately. Don’t make it too fancy, but it can’t be too much of a dive, either. It has to be the kind of place you can go alone, without feeling like a loser and without feeling like you have a sign on your forehead that says, “Make me an offer.” It has to be the kind of place that only plays sports on TV. Most important, it has to be the kind of place where the bartender watches out for you. For a good bartender, this is simply part of the job. It wouldn’t hurt if he was cute, either.

NOISE LEVEL: I like to play my music LOUD. It could be Sinatra, it could be Alice Cooper, but it’s always loud. I can’t do this where I live now, and it’s absolutely killing me. In your case, I’m not talking about music. I’m not talking about your living room walls… It’s the bedroom walls of your new place that you might want to test for reverb, and echo, and all-around flimsiness. The last thing you want to be known as in your new building is “that loud chick that gets laid a lot on the first floor.” Of course with your sex life lately, this might not be such a big problem.

Out with the old and in with the new, indeed… And though it goes without saying, I’ll say it anyway: Let’s make this new place a one-night-stand-free zone.

Let’s start with a heavy dose of reality: He made a list??? And you kept it??? I don’t know which is worse. What was on such a list? How long was it? And WHY THE HELL DID YOU KEEP IT? I’m no expert, but NO ONE on this planet has the right to put such a list together, much less actually present it to the woman. At the other end, that list should have been burned when you received it, not kept.
Shame on both of you.

Plus… If you really think that the first time around was based purely on the “mystery” of it all, what about it feels any different now? How do you know his return foray into your life would be any different now? How do you know that he won’t lose interest again, stop wanting to kiss you and become less attractive by the hour? It’s ten years later; if a guy became less attractive to you, then how can an additional decade of loose skin and receding hair be anything other than a guarantee that it will happen again?

Not to mention the part about no sex being, “… pretty much just like our old relationship.” Since when is that OK? I’ll tell you when that’s OK – when you’ve been married for a hundred years and have a house full of kids.You were entering your sexual prime during this relationship, weren’t you? Are you telling me you were willing to accept that, even for a minute? One of the reasons I don’t get involved with women I don’t care about is because I figure it’ll be obvious that I’m not interested after the first five minutes, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Clearly, you were one of those women who can tell when a man loses interest. Clearly, you remember this part of the relationship, well, clearly. This alone should have been completely unacceptable at the time. Now, it’s exactly the way things should be.

The good news? You used to be friends. You used to be best friends. You used to be “When Harry Met Sally.” Think of all the couples you know today. Now, think about those few that are worth the price of admission. What is it about these couples that makes a relationship seem even plausible, not to mention desirable? It’s the friendship they have, inside and out. You guys are ten years later this time around. Being friends is the best part of this relationship that you remember – maybe the only good part. If we all have to get to a certain point in our lives before knowing this and living this become one in the same, maybe the guy you used to love has gotten to this point. I hope so… If not, you are in for a world of hurt.

Do me, and yourself this one favor, and this time you have to really mean it. DO NOT make this thing about him, and what he wants and who he has become. Make it about you, and what YOU want and who YOU have become. You’ll be doing yourself, and him a lot of good.

And pardon my ignorance, but what exactly is #1, anyway?

New is good… New is sweet… New will get you off your feet. This will be a healthy endeavor for you, if nothing else. This will be like a new coat of paint on an old piece of furniture… It doesn’t look old anymore, it doesn’t look tired. It looks fresh… it looks new. This is the same thing for you, only instead of a piece of furniture, we’re talking about your life. Here’s what the new address will or won’t have that automatically makes it better than your current place:

WON’T HAVE: A sweet, young married couple living upstairs, where the wife works, the husband hangs out with the single neighbor with the nice rack (you), and the single neighbor (you) convinces herself of its innocence – until he hits on you.

WILL HAVE: A different view from the front window… A different grocery store… A different jogging route.

WON’T HAVE: An average of three weeks per year with a hole in the ceiling caused by the annual leak from the apartment above.

WILL HAVE: POSSIBLY: A cool chick neighbor who becomes a good friend. POSSIBLY… A cool guy neighbor that begins as a friendship, with the rest TBA. DEFINITELY… An ex-boyfriend who could easily fall in love with you all over again when he sees you, living only five doors down.

WON’T HAVE: The wicker entertainment center. While it may be one of the few of it’s kind remaining in America, that hardly makes it valuable – or functional. I’m glad you’re leaving this, and much of your other furniture behind. What hurts the wallet can often help the head.

WILL HAVE: You ARE moving with all your “stuff,” right? It’s actually “you” going to this new place -your pots and pans and photo books following behind, right? For better or worse (and I say better), the only constant in a move like this is you. The same person residing at your old address will be the one residing at your new address. This is a good thing for you. Along with a washer/dryer IN the unit, this is the best part of the move for you.

How’s the parking?

Not that you’re one step away from needing a complete overhaul, but where do we start? To be honest, I’m really bored with the whole exterior makeover approach. We all do this, men and women, but it’s always been a complete waste of time and it still is. I know the makeover you’re describing is from the inside out, and that’s simply one more damn good thing about you. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – we are who we are. The gym, the dentist and the kitchen are the places where we can choose to become the best version of who we are, but it’s not a different version.

So what are you supposed to do, change your attitude or completely revamp your personality? I’m not a big believer in the first and I’ll shoot you between the eyes if you even consider the second. First of all, you couldn’t change who you are if you wanted to, and you and I both know you don’t want to. You like being funny. You like baseball. You like being more comfortable with the sly bullshit of a man’s world than the lame bullshit of a woman’s. I don’t blame you. I agree with you. You can’t change, and you shouldn’t change. Maybe we need to look at it another way.

Let’s break it down, one supposed flaw at a time. You’re funny – a lot of guys don’t like a woman to be funny. I can see it, but I don’t get it. As a man, there’s not a more charming and disarming moment than when the woman you are with cracks you up. I don’t know about the guys you date, but I would love to hear you burp the alphabet. I thought I was the only one who knew how to do that.

You’re “too cool.” I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t your problem. Well, it’s your problem because you think that it’s the reason your love life is stuck in neutral. But it’s not your problem because it’s the problem of the fourteen year-old boy that resides deep within almost every man. When we were fourteen, every book and movie and older brother drilled into us that there were girls, and there were girlfriends. Girls made you comfortable and made you laugh and could beat you at tennis. Girlfriends smiled, but rarely laughed and kept you on edge and didn’t like to sweat. It didn’t make sense then, and it doesn’t make sense now – except to that fourteen year-old boy that still resides in all of us. You’re not the criminal in this mix… You’re the victim.

So I guess I’m not much help, because I don’t think you should change at all. Okay, maybe a little… Maybe the Converse should go to Goodwill. Maybe you should let the guy hail the cab next time. Tweaking is always acceptable. None of us is perfect. But total changes? Not on my watch.

Here’s the only change I wouldn’t mind seeing you make. I wouldn’t mind if you stopped trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong and started feeling good about what you’re doing right. But even that would be a change I can personally live without. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, I  always say… And you ain’t broke – although it sounds as if your credit rating might be at least a tad in need of an overhaul.

For better or worse, we are who we are. It will always feel so much better to embrace this fact than to fight it. Besides, if you stop drinking beer, what are we going to do the next time I see you?