Un-Coupled
I just got dumped. I really didn’t see it coming. I really thought things were going well. I thought we were happy. I thought we were in love. Then I got dumped. HARD.
My couple dumped me. But first, they cheated on me.
I know it’s partly my fault because I moved out of the building, but I only moved 2 miles away. I was still attentive to them. I still called all the time, and I really made an effort to visit as much as possible. But I felt them slipping away. Suddenly they were “busy” or “tired.” I saw the signs.
And then, there was the new girl.
In the beginning, my whole “work from home” thing was what attracted them. The husband didn’t work, and the wife worked odd hours, so we had lots of play time when I didn’t have deadlines. The new girl doesn’t have a job – at all. Total free spirit. Score one for the new girl. She’s available any time. And she’s cool – really cool. Even I want to be her friend. I thought I was fun, but she makes me look completely and totally boring. No wonder they cheated on me.
It happened slowly at first. They mentioned her name a few times in passing, and invited her over for dinner once when I was there. I watched as they couldn’t remove their gaze from her. They used to look at me that way. They were falling in love. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I just sat there while they laughed at every one of her jokes. The way they used to laugh at mine.
Then there were stories of drunken bike rides, and surf lessons, boat rides and hot tubs. There’s no way I can compete with that. I guess what I had going for me that whole time was proximity. And then I moved out. Out of sight, out of mind. But I really thought I could make it work. Until… the new girl took them away for the weekend. They went on a fun road trip, and stayed at a swanky house on the beach that she got through a friend. It was done. I knew I was being traded down. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I got my hopes up when we planned lunch to catch up. I carefully planned the reconciliation. We would go for bloody marys at the beach – something we used to love to do on a lazy day in the early afternoon. I picked out a cute outfit, and a hat they always loved. I was ready to win them back over.
About an hour before lunch they cancelled. The other woman was taking them surfing and they promised to make it up to me and that we would “get together soon.”
In hindsight, I know the breakup is the best thing. You always said it was bad news to hang out with the husband, that my “couple” was an unhealthy relationship.
Is this the part where I tell you that I think I have a crush on a new couple?
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Three’s A Crowd
The only couple I ever broke up with was my parents… And that lasted about three weeks, until I begged my way back into their good graces. I’ve never had a “relationship” with any other couple. You know I’ve never liked this relationship of yours: the bread-winner wife/unemployed husband-with-too-much time-on-his-hands-couple. Yes, I’ll admit that I was curious about both her looks, and his beer-drinking capacity… but mostly about her looks. Other than that, I would describe this development in your life as a good thing.
So what does the new girl look like? I’m not trying to push your buttons, but isn’t that the first thing a woman asks herself when her man tells her he’s seeing someone else? And don’t think for a minute that men don’t ask themselves the very same thing. Certainly it’s different with a couple. They didn’t trade you in for a newer model because she was younger or sexier or better in any way – they traded you in for one reason, and only one – circumstance.
When it comes to relationships, be it romantic, just friends or family, circumstance never gets the recognition it deserves. Almost every relationship on the planet is heavily influenced, by circumstance. Once the passion recedes, the circumstances take over almost completely. The one-hour car ride in heavy traffic to his house that was originally “a good thing because I get to return a bunch of phone calls,” becomes just another miserable hour on the freeway. The fact that “we like different things and that keeps it fresh,” morphs into “If she talks about her cousin one more time I’ll blow one of our brains out.” Relationships don’t survive without circumstantial assistance. Being in a relationship is tough enough. Without favorable circumstances it’s almost impossible. You may have moved “only” a few blocks away, but you might as well have moved to China. It’s not you, it’s circumstance.
Besides, there comes a time in life when we simply don’t need to make new friends. I know, I know, that’s a very cynical and anti-social stance to take. Maybe so, but it’s also true. The last new friend I made was about five or six years ago. It was another dude and he was (and still is) a good guy, but I fought it every step of the way. A new friend? What is this, my first day at junior high school? Finally, I caved in and gave myself the speech… The “I don’t need a new friend, but I’ll do it one last time,” speech. You already have more friends than you know what to do with. Do you really have room for a “two-for-the-price-of-one” friendship anyway? And don’t you feel like a third wheel half the time? Besides, I don’t care what you say. The husband wanted to have sex with you – and probably still does.
New boyfriends? Of course you can. New girlfriends? On an extremely limited basis (and only if they’re hot). Now couples? Just say no.
