Get Back On The Horse
I’ve never been big on PDA. When I’m hanging out at a bar with my girl, she knows I’m interested. I’ll throw my arm around her, I’ll touch her leg, and I’ll rub her back… But shove my tongue down her throat in front of a bunch a beer drinking slobs? No thanks. I’d rather do that in private. I’ve never understood those people who are all over each other so much so that the popular phrase even came to be, “Get a room.” But then again, if the chick making out is hot, then watching it is like foreplay and I can grab my woman, head home and rock her world.
It’s funny that after all this time you still consider having sex early in a relationship (or in the evening), “going too far.” Did I look away and you became a prude? What happened to my fun-loving friend who doesn’t look into the hidden meaning of everything? Oh wait, you’re a woman. I keep forgetting. Sex is not the third Mojito. Sex is the first Mojito. You should just slam it, and then decide if you want another one. Or another ten.
I think you just need to get back on the horse. I applaud you for running away from the Handyman as fast as you did, but maybe the clothes should have come off before the track shoes went on. You need an appetizer. You’re ready for the meal, but you haven’t eaten in so long you need to start slow – like with a few bites, then go for the gusto. I think you’ve gotten this whole year wrong. It shouldn’t be “If you build it, He will come.” It should have been, “He needs to build it so you can come.” Let the guys do the work. Walk out the door, shove your tits out, put a smile on your face and you’ll be drinking Mojito #1 (or is it 3) in no time.
I think women forget that men think with their dick first, and their head later. You all are so concerned with “will he like me?” that you miss the signs that yes, we like you and no, we don’t want to have a two hour conversation about it. We like you, we want to have sex with you, and if we still like you, we will call you. Which by the way, will happen if you let it. But women never let it work that way. It doesn’t have to be this big mystery. It doesn’t have to be a calculation of how many times you go out with us before you give it up. We want sex immediately. THEN we decide if we want to date you. That’s just the way it works. Sorry to break it to ya, pal.
So get out there, put on your best flirt, grab a dude and just lay one on him. It will break the ice and get you back on the horse. I know you can do it. You’re just out of practice. Just make sure he’s not wearing a tool belt this time.
And then you can have as many Mojitos as you want.
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Let’s Talk About Sex
The other night I was sitting at a bar, and there were not one, not two, but three couples kissing. And not just kissing – they were hard core making out, with sloppy tongues and roaming hands – all over the place. Had there been a bed in the bar, I probably would have been able to watch them have sex. And I don’t think it would have been good sex. But watching all that groping right in front of my face made me realize – I want sex.
What is it about sex that is so intoxicating? For me, it’s like drinking 3 Mojitos without the calories and the headache after. The first one is like the first kiss on a really good date – it’s a nice surprise, tastes refreshing, and leaves you wanting more. The second one is like making out – you drink it faster than the first, without paying attention to what’s going on around you. And the third one is often the one you probably shouldn’t have had. The third one is when you’ve gone too far, but you’re so caught up with how good the first two were that you don’t think about it before you order it. Or maybe you think you shouldn’t have that third one, but you order it anyway. And it still tastes really good, but you regret it the next day.
It’s been for lack of a better word, a drought. There has been no sex in my life (no, I didn’t sleep with the Handyman), and there doesn’t seem to be any on the horizon. And I think in the process I’m becoming a romantic retard. I consider myself a sexual person. I think I’m pretty good in bed. (Let’s just say I haven’t gotten a whole lot of complaints.) But lately I can’t decide if it’s me or the prospects, but I’m not feeling it – ANY of it. And I miss that feeling.
I’ve never really bought into the whole messed-up girl brain you’re supposed to get with sex. Being single for the majority of my adult life, I’ve really just taken it for what it is – a good time with someone you’re into. I guess I’m more like a guy in that respect. But lately, I’m missing the girl part. I miss the part that I was watching in the bar… Where you can’t get close enough to someone and want to be touching every part of them. Where your lips and hands can’t move fast enough to get it all in and you know the minute you’re in private clothes will be flying off. Okay, now I’m getting turned on.
But then there’s that part of me that right now isn’t just about sex – otherwise I would be having it. It’s not that I haven’t been around any guys – I have. I just haven’t wanted to get naked with any of them. And the less naked I want to get, the more naked they want to get. It’s like I flipped a switch and now I can’t find it.
I keep thinking that maybe I just need to have sex and then I’ll be back on the wagon.
And I’m really craving a Mojito.
