I’ll bet you’re wondering where I’ve been. Well I hate to disappoint you, but I was NOT shacked up with Scarlet Johansson’s middle-aged twin sister. I have been in hell. I have fallen victim to the worst thing that could happen to me, not counting cancer, a major car accident or waking up next to my ex-wife. My computer crashed. It didn’t just crash, it hurtled itself off a cliff. The Geek Squad is still trying to fix it, but it doesn’t look good. “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone,” may have been written about a woman, but it could just as easily have been inspired by my laptop computer. I’ve been lost without it. But I’m here now, and I’m all ears.

So, the big three, huh? There’s really no arguing with it. If you ace mind, body and spirit in this life, the rest will cease to matter. You don’t need to be Deepak Chopra to embrace this outlook. I may not live this, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe this… Maybe I should join you for this mind, body and spirit upgrade, or this making money, losing weight and getting laid upgrade, if you prefer.

Making money? I hear you. Let’s be thankful we’ve gotten to that point in life where there is no lingering, internal conflict about it. Making money is a good thing. We all have a right to do it, and we all define ourselves, to whatever degree by how well we do it. It may not keep us warm at night, but it sure does keep us dancing all day long. Just don’t forget to share.

Losing weight? This is where my version of the big three would differ. Personally, I think you worry about it too much. I think you give it too much weight in your life (pun intended). You know what they say about body type and body image – both are mostly defined by the parents. There’s nothing wrong with the body type you’ve been given. There’s everything wrong with the body image you’ve been taught.

Getting laid? Now we’re talking! Now we’re on the same page! What more worthwhile venture could we choose at this or any moment of our lives? There’s no denying the positive ripple effect that getting laid brings to our lives. We tip a little bigger, we let the car in front of us change lanes, and we laugh at bad jokes. Getting laid isn’t just about getting laid – getting laid opens our eyes and warms our hearts. Getting laid more often just might be the best idea you’ve had this year.

Meanwhile, there’s nothing wrong with a tool belt as long as the guy knows how every tool works. OK, I couldn’t resist. But are you trying to tell me that because he works with his hands and probably didn’t go to college that should matter? Shame on you! But also, shame on you for something else. He gets points for being “nice?” What exact species of asshole have you been dating recently? Being “nice” is about as difficult as saying hello. Being “nice” is one of the few qualities in a person we should always be able to take for granted. Being “nice” is the least of what you should ever look for in a man. The only thing worse than a quality woman thinking she’s not worthy of a particular type of man is when a quality woman, or any woman for that matter thinks she’s better, or above a particular type of man. You’re too good to fall into either category – so don’t.