The Evil Next Door
Pray tell, fine lass, how doth thou travel the wrong road, time and time again? Let me count the ways.
Are you kidding me? Seriously, you know I love you, but you’re making me scratch my head. This is just plain lame. NOT that it’s so wrong to be friends with the neighborly couple and NOT that it’s a horrible lifestyle decision with a very sad ending. That would be too easy, and too obvious. On the surface, it’s not the worst thing for anyone to do. You could ask me, “why not?” and I’d have no argument for you. If hanging out with so-called perfect couple AND perfect couple of new friends is going to be based upon a “why not?” then by all means, hang with them. Share every meal with them. Exchange Christmas gifts with them. Unless a social scenario is guaranteed a bitter end, it’s awfully hard to find fault with, “why not?”
So let’s go with, “Why?” As in, why get involved in this kind of scenario? I don’t care if they’re the coolest couple since Bonnie and Clyde. I don’t care if you’re banging them both, individually and at the same time (Well, check that. That actually sounds pretty hot to me). You simply DO NOT volunteer for third wheel status. You DO NOT put some regular couple, with all of their secrets and fears, onto a pedestal. You just don’t. It’s bad for them, and it’s even worse for you.
I’m not trying to bust your female balls. As I said, there’s no crime against hanging with your neighbors, couple or no couple. But there’s a double whammy involved, and you don’t have to venture much beyond the surface to find it.
The first whammy is to them. They’re really cool, right? No they’re not. As you said, they make you feel as if you’re there to entertain them. You know why you feel that way? Because it’s true. You know why they want you to entertain them? Because they’re running out of ways to entertain each other. It doesn’t make them a “bad couple,” and it certainly doesn’t make them unique. Entertaining each other for the duration of an adult lifetime is a lot to ask of anyone. The only thing this makes them is human. The only thing it makes you to them is the funny girl next door who can’t get a boyfriend.
The second whammy is way more important, because the second whammy is to you. Don’t you see what this scenario does to you? It derails you. Here you are, going strong with your work, wrestling successfully with your dating issues, and then you go into “idealize the couple next door mode.” She works, he doesn’t and it’s a happy arrangement? Not on this planet. God has yet to create the woman who is OK with her husband not working while she does, for than three weeks. She does chick stuff with you and then you hang with him for the beer and ballgames? Sounds perfect for you, right? Right… until he hits on you. And make no mistake about it, he will indeed hit on you. Do you think that might throw a monkey wrench into this whole “crush” of yours? BTW, if the wife hits on you, call me first…
I feel as if I might be giving you too hard a time on this subject, and that is clearly not my intent. But I remember a previous blog from a few months ago, when you wrote first about the wedding of a couple that made you swoon with their love for each other, and I replied that it was dangerous and misleading to fall in love with, and/or idealize a couple. I still believe that.
You have plenty of friends who love you and want to spend time with you. The next time the neighbors come calling, be busy with one of those friends.
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Love Thy Neighbor
I have a crush. And it’s not just a little crush. It’s a big, whopping, full-blown crush. I find myself looking out the window for a glimpse, waiting by the phone, looking at my email every five minutes… amateur stuff that I haven’t done in years. Oh, and I have butterflies. Big, huge butterflies. The kind that you have at the beginning of something wonderful, and when they go away (which they always do) all you want is to get them back. You’ll do anything for those butterflies.
“Who is he?” you ask. Well, it’s not a he. Now you’re thinking, “I knew it! That’s why she’s been single all these years! That’s why no relationship ever lasts!” Nope, it’s not a she.
It’s a THEY.
I have a crush on a couple. Yep, I am head-over-heels, crazy in like with my new neighbors. And it’s just the same as any other new relationship, where you can’t wait to wake up each day to see what’s in store – only it’s much worse because there are two of them, so the obsession is double. She might call in the morning, “Want to go for a walk down to the beach?” And then she goes off to work and he’ll call in the afternoon, “How about a beer and the game?” And then when I get the two of them together, I swear I’m on cloud nine. They both pay me compliments. They laugh at my jokes. They applaud my triumphs, and lament my mishaps. Lately it’s been regular dinners at their place and a game of Trivial Pursuit… Then I stumble down the stairs, happily drifting off to sleep. It’s perfect. It’s having a social life, but not having to get in the car. My dream come true.
I’m dating a couple. This has disaster written all over it. I have absolutely nothing to offer them. It’s not like I’m part of a couple and we’re this great foursome. I’m their neighbor and work from home and am ready at a moment’s notice to entertain them. Oh, and you’re probably right – at some point, the husband is bound to hit on me after fifty beers and another year of no job. Or maybe the wife will hit on me. Whichever, I’m petrified that at some point something is going to happen and they’re going to get sick of me and not want to date me anymore. I’m already “pre-mourning” the break-up.
The other day I texted them to see if they wanted to grab lunch. Nothing. Hours went by and still nothing. I found myself checking my phone every five minutes, and then that familiar pit in my stomach appeared. They don’t want me. The honeymoon is over. Here we go again. Except this time, two people don’t want me. Dejected, I went to bed, beating myself up for falling yet again.
I woke up to a message on my phone: “Hey neighbor, how about dinner and the game?” I was doing back flips. (Well, not literally.) That voice inside my head said, “Don’t answer right away. Play hard to get. They blew you off yesterday. In fact, tell them you have plans. You’ve got to make them chase you!”
“Sure, what can I bring?”
