Relationship Status: None Of Your Business
I’m sorry, but Facebook sucks. There, I said it. I know EVERYONE is on Facebook, has 1,000 “friends,” and a “relationship status” and an annoying need to share their useless minutia with the entire world, but I couldn’t be happier not to be on Facebook. When it comes to relationship status, Facebook is to relationships what microwaves are to cooking. Faster? Yes. More convenient? Of course. Better? Therein lies the problem. Being involved with someone may make us feel young at heart, but attaching a label, via Facebook to your relationship status isn’t youthful, it’s downright juvenile.
SINGLE: OK, that’s easy enough. No harm in telling the Facebook world you’re single, I guess. Although, it sort of feels like admitting you have a felony record. For some reason, when people see “single” under relationship status, “loser” seems to follow close behind.
MARRIED & MARRIED TO: What could be more clear? The problem with this label is that “married” is never good enough. Most people add whom they’re married to, and it’s a good thing because that’s all anybody cares about anyway. You see a hot guy and his status is changed to “married to…,” you will immediately click to connect to the spouse’s profile. Is she cuter? Is she younger? Is she a he? If the spouse doesn’t measure up, there’s a feeling of satisfaction. Why? I guess it’s the difference between unavailable and absolutely unavailable.
ENGAGED & ENGAGED TO: Same as above, only on steroids.
IN A RELATIONSHIP: Here’s a label that covers a lot of territory. It’s supposed to mean unavailable. However, there’s plenty of room for misrepresentation. It could also mean, “NOT in a relationship, but don’t want to be bothered by a bunch of losers on Facebook.” Or, it could mean “I’m in a relationship, but I haven’t informed the other half of this relationship yet.” Or, it might mean, “I’m the biggest loser on the planet, but I feel so much better about myself when I make my status, “in a relationship.”
OPEN RELATIONSHIP: These people shouldn’t even be on Facebook. They should be on Adult Friend Finder.
WIDOWED: Too sad for commentary. Why do they even offer it?
IT’S COMPLICATED: My personal favorite. Talk about a Pandora’s Box of possibilities! What does this label actually say? Bored, horny, unsatisfied? In that case, maybe everyone should use this label. Maybe this should be the only label Facebook offers. Maybe not everyone is bored, horny or unsatisfied… But isn’t everybody’s relationship status at least a little complicated?
As for you… When he wanted you, you sprinted in the opposite direction. Now that he’s not available? Need I say more? BTW, label me cynical, but his status will soon be “single” again… Or maybe, “dumped.” You don’t get to bar hop into your mid-forties and then land a hot twenty-something to settle down with for the rest of your life. Life just isn’t that good, not even on Facebook.
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Relationship Status: Still Single
I talk about Facebook a lot. I can’t help it. It fascinates me. Especially the “relationship status” button. I love it when people change their status and 50,000 people have to comment on it. I get the “married” one, but it always cracks me up when people who have been married for twenty years suddenly click on it after being on FB for a year and a half. The best is when, a month later they add who they’re married to, and everyone comments again. 
Like we didn’t know.
And the “engaged” and the “engaged to” button. Those I have to admit give me a slight twinge of jealousy, because I inevitably click on who they’re engaged to, and usually an “Aww Man!” erupts in my head seeing that a girl who I think is pretty bitchy and not that cute has snagged a great guy. I know, that was totally catty of me.
And then there is the “single” button. Hitting the single button leads to a series of “Oh no, what happened?” Or, “Girl, you are so much better off. I couldn’t STAND that guy!” Or, “Are you okay? What can I do?” Which is hilarious, because some people just hit the single button and they weren’t even in a relationship before they hit it.
Yesterday a guy who I had a small dalliance with changed his status to “in a relationship with.” And the girl changed hers. The girl? Totally, one hundred percent, HOT. I mean, this girl could possibly make me bi, she’s so hot. And she’s fun. And funny. And HOT.
And it made me think, why did I pass him up? Did I miss something? This guy wanted me BAD. He pursued me quite heavily, and in a moment of Bloody Mary drunken weakness, we made out. Then he pursued me even more heavily and I hid.
For a month.
Why did I run away? Because I didn’t think he was the guy for me. Actually, it was more because I didn’t think I was the girl for him. This guy’s cup of life is overflowing. He loves everyone, wakes up every day on the right side of the bed, and thinks his life is the best ever. Damn, he sounds really good now. At the time, I thought he was crazy and an alcoholic. (Which I still think.) But I thought I wasn’t fun enough for him, that my life was too structured, that a guy who went out every night and barhopped at age 45 just wasn’t the right guy for me.
I still don’t think he’s the right guy, but am I reconsidering because he’s now professing his love all over Facebook for a hot 27 year-old? Probably. Maybe I should take it as a compliment that he pursued me first. But I can’t help but think I’m missing the boat somewhere. Maybe not his boat, but maybe some other boat that I’m constantly missing.
I think I’ll change my status to “single.”
Cue the condolence calls.
There’s an easy answer to the “relationship status” issue. Just don’t include it…I never have