Emergency contact? Isn’t that the same as “plus one,” but without the alcohol? OK, maybe not. But any time we have to check a box or space on a form, we seem to find ourselves assessing our place in life in general – and we often don’t like what we see.

My pet peeve, on any form is the marital status section. Why do we need any choices outside of “married” or “single?” Aren’t we ALL married or single? Well, I guess I’m neither. I’m divorced. But, I don’t mind being divorced at all. In fact, I like being divorced – except when I have to check the box on a form that labels me as such.

So you’re complaining about having to put down your brother as your emergency contact? Please – I have that beaten, hands down. Do you know who I put down for my emergency contact? Drum roll, please… I use my EX-WIFE as an emergency contact. I don’t even think she knows and I have absolutely no idea what she would do if said emergency were to occur. Hit the snooze button on my life alarm? Call 911 from the masseuse table? I used to use her out of habit, but that only bought me a few years. I guess I use her because she’s the gateway to my kids and they’re what truly matters to me. I certainly don’t use her because I want to, or because I still expect her to drop everything and rush to my aid if needed. I guess I use her for the same reason you’re using your brother – I use her because there’s no one else.

Besides, like you, who else am I supposed to use as an emergency contact? My mother is 83 and lives 3,000 miles away. I think I’m a little too old to list “Mommy” as my emergency contact. My sister is the ultimate care-giver, and take charge person in times of crisis, but she has kids and also lives 3,000 miles away. Besides, she’s my little sister. She’s no kid, but how can I ask my little sister to be my emergency contact? Hello, Loser Central? Your little sister will be here soon, to make it all better. I also have a little brother, but I used to beat him up a lot when we were kids. Plus, he also lives 3,000 miles away (maybe I’M the one who lives 3,000 miles away?). He never did get me back for the backyard poundings I gave him when Mom and Dad weren’t looking… I’m not sure I should risk it, even if he did live closer.

Talking about this has taught me a lesson, though. It’s definitely time to stop using my ex-wife as my emergency contact. I think the next time I fill in a name on that line, I’ll put down Beyonce. She seems to have a big heart. Maybe Jay-Z will let her come to my rescue, as long as I return her once the emergency passes.

Or I guess maybe it’s time I found my own emergency contact.