The Math Problem
Plus One? Is that anything like BYOB? Or Pot Luck? Maybe not, but all do have one thing in common; we all are feel like losers if we don’t comply. Personally, I find plus one to be highly overrated. I speak from experience – I was married, remember? I used to dread the “plus one” events to which my wife and I were invited. I could recite almost verbatim in advance the conversations that were bound to take place:
Husband #1: “My son hit a home run in Little League today.”
Husband #2: “I took a bath in the market this week. I’m thinking of firing my broker.”
Husband #3: “My wife and I haven’t had sex since the Republicans were in the White House.”
I kid you not, and these would be the more interesting dialogues to take place at these events. My attitude hasn’t changed much since my divorce. In fact, I’m more convinced than ever that plus one is a shortcut to social misery. At least, until everybody’s had a few drinks. That’s when the female plus ones begin to misbehave. That’s when being a man without a plus one suddenly has a spotlight shine on him. That’s when the wives and girlfriends that bemoan plus one as much as I do decide to have their own version of a little fun:
Wife/girlfriend #1: “So, are you dating anyone these days?” (as she flips her hair)
Wife/girlfriend #2: “I can’t believe you have kids that old. You look much too young for that.” (as she runs her hand down her arm)
Wife/girlfriend #3: “My boyfriend/husband’s already had too much to drink. Do you think you could give me a ride home later?” (as she runs her hand down MY arm)
The problem for you is the same problem as always – you’re a woman. Like all women, even in this modern era you’ve been raised to think you are incomplete if you’re not half of a plus one. What have you been told your whole life? That you’ll grow up, MEET A MAN, and live happily ever after. What’s left unsaid in this game plan? What’s left unsaid is that if you don’t MEET A MAN, you’re life will not be whole. What’s left unsaid is that for a woman, being alone is akin to being a failure. Men aren’t raised this way. Men are raised to conquer the world, complete one self and THEN go find a woman.
The one instance we can both share the same feeling and attitude about the plus one life is when it comes to health and illness. I’m lucky enough to be a very healthy guy. I have all of my organs and they are all functioning properly. But a funny thing happened last weekend. I woke up to a nasty bout of the stomach flu. When I wasn’t throwing up, I was wishing I was. When I wasn’t burning up with fever, I was shivering under a pile of blankets. My kids were at their mom’s. I was fully and completely alone. There was no plus one in sight. I could have died, and they might not have found my body until a week later.
Like you, I wanted a plus one more than ever last weekend. And like you, I didn’t want somebody else’s plus one – I wanted my own.
Maybe I need to start looking too.
Leave a Reply
One Plus None = One
I think it’s safe to say, I’ve definitely lived life with a plan. When I was a little girl, I knew aside from the 50 things I thought I wanted to be (like a doctor, lawyer or gymnast), what I really wanted to be was a writer or an artist. So I did both.
The plan was simple: finish college, get my dream job, get married and have kids, blah blah blah. We all know I did the first two, and the second two – well, they kind of went by the wayside. So my plan changed. I’ve really been okay with the change of plans. I know I talk incessantly about my “if you build it” plan, and it’s true – I do want a boyfriend. I do want a partner in this life.
And now, I realize it more than ever. I want a plus one.
I have a wedding to go to this weekend. Sure would be nice to have a plus one, let alone be invited with one. I can already see the table I’ll be sitting at. It’s the one I’m always at. To my left will be her single Aunt Mildred, who never married, has chin hair, smeared lipstick and a kleenex in her sleeve. To my left will be Cousin George, who is 5’6” dripping wet, picks his nose and stares at my boobs all night. And the rest of table is an average of ages 9-15. These days I don’t even get invitations which include a plus one. Not to mention the fact that I think I pulled a muscle trying to reach the zipper on my dress by myself when I tried it on.
My friend invited me to dinner at her house – all couples. Sure would be nice to have a plus one. Why would I want to go to something that is all couples? Should I just wear a flashing “fifth wheel” sign? That plus one would sure come in handy 2 hours in when the husbands are drunk and hitting on me telling me how they never get laid and they can just tell I’m “really good at it.”
I know I dig being alone; I know I boast about my beloved independence all the time, but for these situations, a plus one is, well, a plus. And there is one situation where a plus one is mandatory. That would be for the one thing that you are never prepared for – a health scare. I’d go so far as to say that for pretty much all of my life, I’ve taken my health for granted. Sure, I get a lot of sore throats, and there was the weird intestinal thing a few years back, but for the most part, I’m healthy. And if I do get sick, it’s my usually my fault for burning the candle at both ends.
So with this recent development, it has come to my attention that my lack of a plus one could potentially be a problem. I have no one to go to the doctor with me. I have no one to complain to that I’m in pain. I have no one to hold me, rub my back and say, “Everything is going to be okay.” Most of all, when you get a glimpse of your mortality, you really want to have that one special person in your life to tell sincerely, “I love you.”
I know I have friends who are there for me if need be. It’s difficult to explain, but it’s different. They can’t be my plus one – because they are someone else’s plus one. I can’t help it. I want my own.
My old boss used to say, “Do you expect him to just fall from the sky and land on the hood of your car?” Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. Okay, I don’t.
But if you’re out there, and you’re short a plus one, give me a call.
