The Cheating Kind
We haven’t really discussed this before, but it may come as no surprise that I come from a long line of cheaters. In fact, aside from a very select few, every member of my family has been unfaithful to their spouses. Could the fact that I was born into a marriage which was over even before I hit the womb be the cause of my extreme marital trepidation? Could that be the reason why I shy away from a serious, meaningful relationship that might lead to that long walk down the aisle? Could that be why I place such a high value on those ever-so-popular words: love, trust, honor, integrity…?
Perhaps. Okay, probably. Oh, who the heck am I kidding? YES.
As I look around, everyone is cheating. Why is no one satisfied? And it’s not only guys. I actually know more women than men who are having affairs – multiple, in fact. And not only are they affairs – they are full-blown relationships. These people are truly living two separate lives. They go out in public, they act as a couple, and no one is the wiser – or in some cases – they are the wiser and it’s accepted. Just how are they getting away with this? And, why are they doing it?
So you know me, I asked a few of them. I would love to say there was a clear-cut explanation, but there really wasn’t. The immediate stock answer was, “He/She gives me what I don’t get at home…” Fill in the blanks – attention, ego-stroking, sex without negotiation, you name it, if they weren’t “getting it at home” they figured out where to get it – and got it, no problem. And, in the typical high school answer, “Everyone is doing it.”
But why is it so easy? And why is it actually, acceptable? I don’t mean to be holier than thou, and I’m the last person to place judgment on sexual behavior, but whatever ever happened to marriage being something to work at? What about “for better or for worse?” If my legacy is infidelity, why am I working so hard trying to find true love? Why do I have this burning desire to be the woman of some man’s dreams? Shouldn’t I just accept my fate and live a life of dissatisfaction? I guess there is still that part of me that believes. And that’s the whole problem in a nutshell. I still believe. So sue me.
For most of my life, it seemed like such a simple plan. You meet a mate, you fall in love, you get married, you have kids, and you live happily ever after. Nowadays, you still do all of those things, but somewhere down the road you “couldn’t help it” and you fell in love with someone else. So why not leave? Why not end your marriage and be with this person who is your “soul mate?” I just don’t get it. Maybe I’ll never get it. Maybe my brother was right and I’m really adopted. Whatever it may be, I must have missed the stop on the cheating bus. And boy, am I glad I did.
I guess it’s like that old saying, “Why does a dog lick its balls? Because it can.”
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Cheaters Never Win And Winners Never Cheat
I don’t think my parents ever cheated on each other. I never even thought about it as a kid, but even now, with my experience as an adult in this age of infidelity, I’d still bet my monthly rent on the two of them being completely faithful for all 50 plus years of their marriage. Therefore, I have no idea what it’s like to be you, at age 6 or 10 or 14, knowing deep in your pre-pubescent gut that your parents, whom you’ve been trying to not only please, but also understand since your 3rd birthday, have both been screwing other people on a regular basis during the time they were supposed to be raising you. I can see where that might make a kid feel like a worthless piece of shit. I’m glad you didn’t let that feeling define you later in life. You didn’t let that feeling define you, did you? You’re over all of that by now… aren’t you? You’re fine – right?
I’ve cheated on girlfriends before – probably all of them. I rationalized that it wasn’t cheating because we weren’t married. Cheating can only happen between a husband and a wife. I had to rationalize this, or I would have felt too guilty. So why do people cheat? For me, it was boredom. Sex with someone you truly care about is the best there is, but sex with someone new and different who’s drinking your Kool-aid with a straw is a very close second. Maybe the order gets mixed up sometimes. I choose not to judge any of it. I know for a fact that I’ll never cheat again – without a doubt. The lasting sense I have from when I was unfaithful is not how guilty or how ashamed it made me feel, but the knowledge that I was just being a lame-ass coward – too scared to confront, too insecure to commit.
I hate to say this, but women who cheat are sexy. There’s something as sexy as it is sinister when a woman cheats. She’s so under control… so buttoned-up… so principled and demure. Then you find out she’s banging some dude she wouldn’t go near in her perfect life and my eyebrows rise in unison with another body part. I know it’s wrong. I know it’s as cheap and sleazy and cowardly when she cheats that it is when he cheats. But it’s still sexy.
People cheat – that doesn’t have to mean that you will, or that he will, if “he” ever comes along. Maybe having cheating parents has given you this sense of doom or created some black hole of emotional doubt that will always impact your love life. I don’t know, and I choose with utter confidence to think that is not the case. But the “belief” you’ve always lived by – the “belief” that there’s a better way to go? Please don’t give that up. That belief is what makes you better than the rest. That belief is what will make the whole journey worthwhile, whenever and wherever it eventually takes you.
You just have to remember to let it take you.
I too was conceived after my parents’ split, during a trial reconciliation. But neither cheated, not prior to the first split that is. It just didn’t work. I too am in my late thirties, unmarried and single.
Am I a bit trepidatious, skiddish at the prospects? You bet, to say the least… BUT, I believe in true love, true companionship. I know it’s out there… the mutual love, respect, loyalty, dedication, trust, and shared hope I know I deserve in a relationship… and nothing less.