Blink And You Might Miss It
It’s official. I’m exactly one year away from forty. It’s weird. I’m actually not sure how I feel about it. I feel as if I’m in my early thirties. I look as if I’m in my early thirties (I think). My career is having an exciting upswing, and I’m certainly putting myself out there dating-wise; even if lately it seems like it’s quantity over quality.
I have to admit, if you had asked me ten years ago where I thought my life would be as I approached forty, my current single situation wouldn’t have been how I imagined it. (Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure you did ask me that question ten years ago.) I guess I just took for granted that everything would fall into place. I didn’t stop to think that I probably should have given more thought (and effort) to settling down – I just figured it would “happen.” But it didn’t. Or should I say, it hasn’t. Or has it? Maybe it’s time to start believing everything is where it should be.
Just the other day, someone asked me, “Didn’t you ever want to get married?” After being momentarily offended that the question was phrased in the past tense, my immediate answer was, “Of course I do.” But then I started to think – do I? I still consider myself a romantic at heart. I actually still see the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids. However, part of me now questions the necessity of the union. I look around, and to be quite honest, I don’t see a whole lot of wedded bliss. However, I realize one thing to still be true – in this society (and definitely in my family), although seemingly somewhat evolved, you’re either double, or you’re nothing.
I got my birthday gift from my mother – a $100 gift card to Starbucks. Okay, I get it, I’m a writer and I love coffee, but $100? She said, “I gave you double because I give your siblings and their spouses $50.” Gotta say, I like that new rule, but I would have loved the cash instead.
But my mom’s gift got me to thinking – is this it? Am I destined to be the “give her double because she’s alone” kid? Is my whole “If you build it, he will come” year going to be in vain? If it was “supposed to happen,” shouldn’t it have happened by now?
I know, I know, times have changed. People live longer – they focus on their careers before they think about settling down, blah, blah, blah. But now the time has come. The question is, is it still possible? Have I now become the girl who scares them all off? Am I the “She’s almost forty and never married – there must be something really wrong with her” girl? Am I the, “She’s too focused on her career – she won’t have time for me” girl?
Or did I simply just miss the window?
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Don’t Look Back
There’s a fine line between getting older and getting old. You’re still on the young side of that line, but to paraphrase the immortal Satchel Paige, “Don’t look back… something might be gaining on you.” Yeah, like the calendar.
Everybody makes such a big deal about age. I’m no different. If someone has a woman they want me to meet, my first question is always, “How old is she?” Okay, maybe that’s my second question. But age is certainly as prominent a factor to me as it is to the next guy. The crazy thing is, deep down we all know that age doesn’t, or at least shouldn’t matter. I recently dated a woman who, at age 29, bemoaned not having yet had a child, wailing “I’m not getting any younger, you know.” Not getting younger? At age 29? No wonder we stopped seeing each other shortly thereafter.
Not only are you only one year away from turning 40, you’re also one year away from turning from cub to cougar. I don’t see this becoming a factor with you because you’ve always been more suited to older men than younger, but it’s still worth a discussion or two. Who’s it going to be? At age 39, is there a new, “perfect” age for you? Have the older men to whom you were once attracted now become just old? I hope not. I hope there is no “perfect” age for you. I hope your love life remains as sporadic and spontaneous as it’s always been. What would we talk about otherwise?
Beyond that, I hope you understand that you’re not the only one whose vision of her/his own life was way different ten years ago than it is today. I hope you don’t think you’re the only one who took some things about life for granted that didn’t turn out as assumed. Don’t think you’re the only woman in town who saw a white picket fence and her husband’s briefcase by the door as a given in life. It’s not your fault. That’s the way we all thought it was going to be – men AND women. That’s the assumption about life we ALL made – before we learned otherwise.
Most importantly, I hope you don’t really think that you’re either double, or you’re nothing. You’re only hurting yourself if you think that’s true. There’s a whole lot more to be said about a strong, independent woman than an uninspiring, co-dependent couple. Double is only good if it’s based on two people worth doubling. Double should only be worth your while if you truly believe there’s a man worth “doubling” with. Until then, for each one of your 39 years, what you should apologize for is… nothing.
Oh and, Happy Birthday.
