Dress For The Job You Want
Still licking my wounds from the recent [Salt & Pepper] break-up by text, last night I decided to give myself a big dose of ego medicine – in the form of my friends. So I had a few of them over for dinner. A few meaning two – one of my best guy friends, and one of my best girl friends. It wasn’t planned; one was coming over to hang out, drink all my beer and get a free meal and then the other spontaneously joined. Guess which was which. They actually happen to be two of my favorite people, and with all that, they had never been in a room together until last night.
A funny thing happened on the way to the oven: instead of being the usual center of attention, I got to be the observer. And I liked it. A lot.
As I watched his chest puff up and her cheeks turn pink, I suddenly realized that for one night only, I had the best seat in the house. The next 4 hours were just what the doctor ordered: a big, fat lesson on love.
In one corner – my brilliant, Ivy League educated, rock-hard bodied girlfriend, swimming in my sweats, sitting Indian style in my dining room chair like a 12 year-old girl, her pupils dilating as she quickly filled up on wine and love advice being doled out fast and furious in the other corner. In that other corner – my (also) brilliant guy friend who’s got the looks, the brain and the charm – and knows how to use all three simultaneously. In between swaggering across the room to check the score of the game, he straddled my other dining room chair, dispensing love advice like he was Dr. Laura after midnight.
Wine and beer bottles started clinking in the recycling bin – the questions became more direct – and so did the answers. She started out subtle at first, “What does it mean when a guy…?” Or, “Why do guys…?” Or “Does it freak a guy out if…?” I have to give my buddy credit – he didn’t sugarcoat a thing. And I actually learned a few things myself; mostly by observation of the gut-wrenching, honest conversation taking place – one that consisted solely of her seeking validation and him giving it – most of the time.
Then came the final question: “There’s a guy I’m kind of into at work,” she said, “I don’t know if he’s interested. What should I do?” Without skipping a beat my guy friend said, “It’s simple. Wear a dress tomorrow.”
Hang on – is it really that simple? At the end of the day, does it actually come down to – chivalry? After all this time, and all of my confusion, my questions can be answered with one simple directive? Come to think of it, my grandmother always said, “Act like a lady and you’ll get treated like one.” Hmm, maybe she was right. I really have to start wearing perfume again.
I guess we’ll find out if he was right because next thing I knew, my girlfriend was in my closet, stripped down to her underwear trying on my dresses. I sent her home with a sure winner, and assured her as much.
And with an emphatic thumbs-up from the guy in the other room, she then believed me.
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Dress Rehearsal
Your grandmother was right. It has been true since the third grade. The way in which a woman presents herself is the single most defined portion of what a man thinks when he meets her. Part and parcel with this is the fact that a woman can only present herself as the woman she truly believes herself to be.
So you like to watch? Wait, you’re not talking about – oh, never mind. So you had people over? A man and a woman? She had a rock-hard body, and he… she had a rock hard body? And the man wasn’t me? Some friend you are.
It’s so cool when women have the stones to ask a man direct and honest questions. It’s not so cool when they decide not to hear the answers, unless they match exactly what they expect to hear going in. I for one appreciate the woman who asks; it’s the ones who don’t ask that you have watch out for.
As it turns out, just this past weekend I was in the same situation as your guy friend from last night. I went to an old friend’s birthday party and a therapy session soon broke out. In lieu of dessert, I found myself sharing a bottle of champagne with two single, female friends and fielding a slew of queries about the male species.
“What does it mean when a guy comes on really strong, and then disappears?”
It means one of two things: Either you gave it up, and he’s moving on, or you didn’t give it up, and he’s moving on. Either way, it’s not your problem – it’s his.
“I love him, but I want to have a child. He already has kids and doesn’t want any more. What should I do?”
This is simple. Either give up the idea of having a baby with a man you love, or give him up. Is it really that tough a decision?
“I really like this guy at work. I think he likes me, but he’s given no signal besides a little light flirting. What should I do to really get his attention?”
That’s easy – wear a dress. Okay, I stole that from your friend.
Somewhere there must be a discount bin full of books telling women how to be women. Why are women still asking the same questions, over and over? Maybe they haven’t liked the answers they’ve been hearing (or not hearing). Maybe they don’t trust us (gee, can’t understand why). Or maybe love has just been made too damn complicated. Maybe we need to break it down to its simplest form:
Don’t spend so much time thinking about us – unless you’re thinking the same thing about us that we are about you. Don’t disrespect yourself to make us like you – we won’t. Don’t allow yourself to feel incomplete without us – you’re not, and only losers and douche bags want to be with a woman who feels that way about herself.
Then, try your very best to stop thinking. The rest is up to us.
