Are We There Yet?
It’s that time. Well, at least I think it’s that time – the, “What’s the status of our relationship?” time. Over a month has gone by. Over 10 dates have gone by. We have Valentine’s Day under our belts; we have been to each other’s houses multiple times. I’ve cooked him dinner. He’s snored through a movie on my couch. I have a close personal relationship with his dog. He’s met a few of my friends.
Sounds like a relationship. Or does it?
It’s so hard to know. In the old days, the beginning of a relationship was easy. You were totally crazy about each other, you both knew it, you spent every possible minute together, and when you weren’t together, you talked on the phone for hours talking about the next time you would see each other. You felt giddy, like teenagers, and it was a feeling you desperately wanted to hang onto because you knew at some point that would end and you would settle into a relationship. But at least you knew.
Times have changed. Cell phones happened. Then the Internet happened. Then instant messaging happened. Then text messaging happened. Then instant messaging on your cell phones in between text messaging happened. Then suddenly through total and complete electronic availability, everyone became unavailable.
In relationships, text-messaging seems to the new phone call. I remember dating a guy with whom I never actually had a real phone conversation. Our entire communication was through emails and texts. While proving to be fun and exciting at first, it just ended up really making my fingers hurt. When I decided to stop seeing him, I let him know with an email (of course). His response: “I deserve a phone call. Message sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.”
Sometimes I really wish we weren’t so connected. It seems that with all this connection, you never actually get to connect. And then your mind starts to play tricks on you: “He just sent me a text today and didn’t call. Does that mean he doesn’t want to talk to me?” Or, “He’s sent me an email every day for the last two weeks and today I didn’t get one. Does that mean he doesn’t like me anymore?” I spend so much time trying to decipher the “cyber code” that I think half the time the relationship ends in my head before it actually ends. Which we’ve already established, is not a good thing.
So this time, I want it to be different. I really like this guy. I want him to stick around. I don’t quite know where we stand yet, but I guess I don’t have to. It’s still early. I’ll know when I know. But why don’t I get to know until he knows? That’s the part which drives me crazy, because it makes me, quite simply – a girl. And that’s the part where I usually act more like a guy.
Maybe he’ll text me and let me know.
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There And Gone
Not too long ago, I could dismiss your dilemma with that expression, “He’s just not that into you.” But things are so different these days. To some, just saying that probably makes me sound old. Well, I’m not old, and I’m certainly no idealist, but you don’t have to be either one of these to see that relationships ain’t what they used to be. We don’t fall in love anymore – we tip toe around love until tripping over it or running away from it. We schedule it and plan it and squeeze it into some pre-ordained plan that contains more fundamental flaws and misconceptions than the state budget. We analyze it and time it and script it until we suck all of the spontaneity and joy from its pores. We do everything we can think of to make it happen, EXCEPT the one, single thing we’re supposed to do – let it happen. The end result? Nobody knows what a real relationship is anymore.
Case in point: you and Rip Van Winkle. Ten dates? Cooking dinner for him? Valentine’s Day? Call me crazy, but that’s a relationship in my book. If I don’t want a relationship, I go for a two date maximum, a check after every meal and a Valentine’s Day spent in different zip codes. If you ask me, you guys are in a relationship, except for two things: It’s 2010, and he’s a guy.
When it comes to determining if a relationship exists or not, men and women approach things in very different ways. We come on strong – first of all, we want to get laid. We can’t possibly decide whether or not you’re girlfriend material without having sex with you. Even if the sex is lousy and we’re the reason why, we simply have to know. So once again, it’s all about getting into your pants and we can’t do that by taking our time or coming on soft. We put on the full court press – dinners, drinks, thank you text messages, cute emails and our deep voice on late night phone calls. Are we leading you on? Maybe, so what? We have to know and we can only find out by sprinting until we don’t want to sprint anymore.
You guys are the opposite. Where we reach out, you usually hold back. Where we like to hit the gas, you prefer riding in neutral. Where we’re ready for all night long, you usually draw the line at home for CSI. You ladies are smarter about it than we are. Maybe it’s because when you hurt, you hurt more than we do. Maybe it’s because you know what you’re doing before you do it, and we don’t know what we’re doing until after we’re done – if it all. Or maybe it’s because you start thinking about being in a relationship the minute you wake up every morning, and we don’t think about it until we’re walking down the aisle. Whatever the reason, don’t feel bad about being confused – we’re all confused. Women are just more willing to admit it.
But, I still think he’s just not that into you. If he was, you wouldn’t be confused – you’d know.
