The Numbers Game
Boy, I hope your number isn’t up either. I haven’t been to a good party in years and if you get married, your wedding will be the party event of the year! So don’t blow it for me, OK? Your number isn’t up yet, and I’ll tell you why. For women, 50 is the new 40 – for looking good, being independent, and yes, finding love. You’re not 2 years away from your number being up – you’re actually 12 years away. How do I know this? I read it in More Magazine while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. It was sandwiched between Brangelina’s pending divorce and President Obama’s gay lover.
The real reason your number isn’t up is because you’re not the typical female whose entire existence is based on some version of the following milestones:
AGE 14: First boyfriend.
AGE 15: First broken heart
AGE 16: Lose virginity – regret it within hours.
AGE 18: First serious boyfriend.
AGE 20: First realization that brains and high standards don’t help you get a boyfriend.
AGE 23: Best friend gets engaged.
AGE 24: Nothing to talk about with best friend.
AGE 25: Best friend’s wedding – you go solo.
AGE 26: Family and friends start whispering about falling behind marriage timetable.
AGE 27: Biological clock begins ticking.
AGE 30: Still single – panic setting in.
AGE 32: Ex-best friend gets divorced. New best friend hasn’t had sex with husband in months. You don’t care, you just want to get married and be as miserable as them.
AGE 34: Still single – life is almost over.
AGE 35: Life is over, because you just drove your car off a bridge. Obituary reads, “Survivors – none.”
Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that 9 out of 10 women don’t follow some version of the above. Tell me you don’t sleep better at night knowing you’re not one of them… Go ahead, I dare you. The truth is, it’s different for men (when isn’t it?). When a man hits 40 and has never been married, run, don’t walk in the other direction. Why? Because it’s easy for us to get married. Hell, women want to get married so badly from the age of 12, all we have to do is avoid prison and disfigurement to have multiple marital options. If we’re not married by 40, something is very, very wrong – with us. If you’re not married at 40, it’s most likely not you… It’s the odds, and lady luck conspiring against you.
So tell everybody, including that little voice of insecurity in your head to shut the hell up. Cliché or not, you haven’t met the right guy… It’s the best – and only reason there is.
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Is My Number Up?
It finally happened. The day I’ve been dreading… The moment I never thought would come to pass. I guess I deserved it. It’s the question that I always used to ask of others, silently mocking them while doing so.
“You’re almost 40 and never married?”
And the question following is almost never asked out loud, because luckily most people can exercise a little restraint: “What’s wrong with you?” Well, it was asked out loud today – of me. If I could have dug a whole in the travertine floor beneath me, I would have.
I was on a date, sitting across from Mr. Possibility… Six feet tall, salt and pepper hair, green eyes, great dimples – and, wouldn’t you know it, a personality to boot. Until he asked, “Why haven’t you ever been married? What’s wrong with you?” flashing his killer-watt-smile while doing so.
I was speechless. I stared at the air duct on the ceiling, wishing for a moment that it would just suck me right out of my seat. Was I finally there? Am I that girl? The one who people will see, shake their heads and say, “I don’t understand why she never settled down. Poor thing, she’ll never know what it’s like to have a family.”
I’m sorry, was I just diagnosed with terminal Spinster cancer? Last time I checked, the onset age was a little older than my whopping 38 years, and many treatments are available to prevent it for at least ten more years. Last time I checked, I don’t own a mu-mu, and none of my shoes have less than 3-inch heels.
I smiled weakly and gave the same stupid answer I’ve been scoffing at for years, “Well, I guess I just haven’t met the right one yet.” But wait, have I? I mean c’mon, out of all the guys in my life (and for those of you counting, we’re way past fingers and toes), did I simply miss him? In my quest for total single female independence, did he quietly slip out the front door without me noticing and marry someone else?
When I was little, I used to sit at my grandmother’s kitchen table, drawing picture after picture of a man holding hands with a woman, standing next to a house with a big apple tree and a white picket fence. Most of the time the woman was wearing a wedding dress and the guy was taller than the house. So where is it? What the hell happened to it? Not the wedding dress – my apple tree.
After all these years, I just realized something. There’s nothing wrong with me – I simply forgot to plant the seeds.
I sure hope my time isn’t up. I’ve decided I still really like apples.
Here’s a good and truthful answer I used to use in my late 30′s when I, too, wasn’t married. “Frankly, getting married never occurred to me.” Most of my friends were married in their late 30′s or 40′s so it wasn’t like everyone else around me was getting married. Some were; some weren’t. And I was happily living my life. There was a certain freedom when my boss said to me, “Can you work in Australia for 3 months.” Without any hesitation or having to check with anyone I was able to answe,r “Sure.” And a week later, I was down under. Frankly, I only started thinking about the idea of settling down when I got my sweet dog and I actually had someone else in my life I needed to include in the equation. I wouldn’t change those years of complete freedom for anything.
I totally agree with you. And along with “It never occurred to me,” I’ve always said, “I skipped my first marriage.”
~ Her