The Numbers Game
January 22nd, 2010Boy, I hope your number isn’t up either. I haven’t been to a good party in years and if you get married, your wedding will be the party event of the year! So don’t blow it for me, OK? Your number isn’t up yet, and I’ll tell you why. For women, 50 is the new 40 – for looking good, being independent, and yes, finding love. You’re not 2 years away from your number being up – you’re actually 12 years away. How do I know this? I read it in More Magazine while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. It was sandwiched between Brangelina’s pending divorce and President Obama’s gay lover.
The real reason your number isn’t up is because you’re not the typical female whose entire existence is based on some version of the following milestones:
AGE 14: First boyfriend.
AGE 15: First broken heart
AGE 16: Lose virginity – regret it within hours.
AGE 18: First serious boyfriend.
AGE 20: First realization that brains and high standards don’t help you get a boyfriend.
AGE 23: Best friend gets engaged.
AGE 24: Nothing to talk about with best friend.
AGE 25: Best friend’s wedding – you go solo.
AGE 26: Family and friends start whispering about falling behind marriage timetable.
AGE 27: Biological clock begins ticking.
AGE 30: Still single – panic setting in.
AGE 32: Ex-best friend gets divorced. New best friend hasn’t had sex with husband in months. You don’t care, you just want to get married and be as miserable as them.
AGE 34: Still single – life is almost over.
AGE 35: Life is over, because you just drove your car off a bridge. Obituary reads, “Survivors – none.”
Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that 9 out of 10 women don’t follow some version of the above. Tell me you don’t sleep better at night knowing you’re not one of them… Go ahead, I dare you. The truth is, it’s different for men (when isn’t it?). When a man hits 40 and has never been married, run, don’t walk in the other direction. Why? Because it’s easy for us to get married. Hell, women want to get married so badly from the age of 12, all we have to do is avoid prison and disfigurement to have multiple marital options. If we’re not married by 40, something is very, very wrong – with us. If you’re not married at 40, it’s most likely not you… It’s the odds, and lady luck conspiring against you.
So tell everybody, including that little voice of insecurity in your head to shut the hell up. Cliché or not, you haven’t met the right guy… It’s the best – and only reason there is.
