Play Me Again, Sam
November 19th, 2009In the world of dating, aside from, “I need to tell you something,” the six most disturbing words have got to be, “Can we play it by ear?” By definition the phrase means “without a plan of action.” But by dating definition, (especially in my life) for some reason it seems to mean, “I’m going to wait and see if I get better plans, and I’m going to keep you on the back burner in case I don’t.”
Okay, I’ll admit, I too have used the phrase. But I tend to use it with regards to making social plans on deadline days, the estimated time of my arrival, or a possible morning run after a night of cocktails. (Except that one’s usually a firm “no” instead of “can we play it by ear?”)
When it comes to dating, it seems it’s all about trading up. One of my friends actually calls it “better dealing.” I know I always quote my friends, but they’re pretty much all I have to go on these days. Last time I checked, I’m single, and they aren’t. So they must be doing something right.
Guys have no problem making solid plans to shoot hoops, hang with their buddies, or get a haircut. So please tell me, why is a Friday night dinner reservation so difficult to commit to? I guess it really is all about the trade up, the better deal. You like me, you have a great time with me, but you want to make completely sure that you won’t meet someone else between Wednesday and Saturday whom you might like better. So you’ll “play it by ear” all week and then text me Friday afternoon to say you’re free.
I know that it’s partly my fault — I contribute to the problem by agreeing to the process. I’m a longtime back burner girl. I’m the girl everyone can count on — that is, until they make other plans. My schedule is constantly full of nothing scheduled. Most of my plans are made last minute, based on time and energy (and for some reason there’s never enough of either one). This process works okay for me in everyday life, but in my dating life, I don’t want to play it by ear. I want a damn date. Call me up, ask me out, make a plan and stick to it. Really, it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. And I think we’ve established that if you do that, it’s usually worth your while.
So what do I do about this dilemma? Do I try to follow “the rules” and not agree to a date on the weekend if I haven’t been asked by Wednesday? That sounds awfully lonely to me – especially since it’s been decided that I can no longer ask a guy out. (Sorry, didn’t mean to bring that one up again.) Playing hard to get clearly isn’t my style, so for now, I guess there is only one thing for me to do.
I’ll play it by ear.
“Can we play it by ear”????? Is he referring to the piano in the corner??? If not, agree and don’t be available when he hasn’t found (or so he thinks) someone better. A few week ends playing XBox and he’ll realize that the only thing he should be “playing by ear” is the piano in the corner.