Play Me Again, Sam
In the world of dating, aside from, “I need to tell you something,” the six most disturbing words have got to be, “Can we play it by ear?” By definition the phrase means “without a plan of action.” But by dating definition, (especially in my life) for some reason it seems to mean, “I’m going to wait and see if I get better plans, and I’m going to keep you on the back burner in case I don’t.”
Okay, I’ll admit, I too have used the phrase. But I tend to use it with regards to making social plans on deadline days, the estimated time of my arrival, or a possible morning run after a night of cocktails. (Except that one’s usually a firm “no” instead of “can we play it by ear?”)
When it comes to dating, it seems it’s all about trading up. One of my friends actually calls it “better dealing.” I know I always quote my friends, but they’re pretty much all I have to go on these days. Last time I checked, I’m single, and they aren’t. So they must be doing something right.
Guys have no problem making solid plans to shoot hoops, hang with their buddies, or get a haircut. So please tell me, why is a Friday night dinner reservation so difficult to commit to? I guess it really is all about the trade up, the better deal. You like me, you have a great time with me, but you want to make completely sure that you won’t meet someone else between Wednesday and Saturday whom you might like better. So you’ll “play it by ear” all week and then text me Friday afternoon to say you’re free.
I know that it’s partly my fault — I contribute to the problem by agreeing to the process. I’m a longtime back burner girl. I’m the girl everyone can count on — that is, until they make other plans. My schedule is constantly full of nothing scheduled. Most of my plans are made last minute, based on time and energy (and for some reason there’s never enough of either one). This process works okay for me in everyday life, but in my dating life, I don’t want to play it by ear. I want a damn date. Call me up, ask me out, make a plan and stick to it. Really, it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. And I think we’ve established that if you do that, it’s usually worth your while.
So what do I do about this dilemma? Do I try to follow “the rules” and not agree to a date on the weekend if I haven’t been asked by Wednesday? That sounds awfully lonely to me – especially since it’s been decided that I can no longer ask a guy out. (Sorry, didn’t mean to bring that one up again.) Playing hard to get clearly isn’t my style, so for now, I guess there is only one thing for me to do.
I’ll play it by ear.
One Response to “Play Me Again, Sam”
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You Heard It Here First
Let me start out by saying something that men don’t say often. You’re right. You heard me – You. Are. Right.
Would you really like to know why we refuse to commit to plans with a woman? It’s the same reason why we do most of the things we do. Because we can. It’s true. We do it because you let us. And you, my dear best friend are the prime example of why we can – and why we do.
I hate to give away state gender secrets, but here’s the deal: If you didn’t allow it, we wouldn’t try it! Your friend who drives me crazy with all her “rules” and crappy dating advice? She’s actually right on point on this subject. This time, and this time only I’ll give her the nod. And as far as “better dealing” is concerned? Of course we do it. But so do you ladies. Everyone does. So, with all due respect, please shut up.
Breaking news: We know when you like us. And we definitely know when you really, really like us. This is when we get cocky… This is when we see how far we can push things. This is when we see what we can get away with, without you getting away from us in the process. So if you let us keep you on ice, in limbo or on hold, we will do exactly that. If you don’t let us do these things, we’ll still try. This is the moment when you walk away from us… if you choose. And more often than not, you simply choose to stay.
Herein lies your problem.
I’ve known you for years. I’ve watched you date. Sometimes you do it extremely well…. But then those other times? You completely fumble the ball. I know exactly the moment you fall for a guy. You’re all happy and sappy and even you, my cool chick buddy – you do that sing-song-y girl shit too. Right around that time is when you do something incredibly stupid – you let him play you by ear. You’ll act like you’re not doing it, but you’re keeping your weekend open just in case he decides to move you to the front burner. Then when he doesn’t (simply because he can) you get bummed and act like it was no big deal. And then he throws you a bone and you jump right back into action, thinking he’s the greatest guy in the world. This dance goes on for a while, until you realize that he’s just another asshole and you’re no longer interested. Then you date the next guy. And you do it all over again.
Word to the wise: If you ladies continue to let guys keep you on ice, it’s gonna be one long, COLD winter.
Walk away. If we like you, we will come back. I promise.
One Response to “You Heard It Here First”
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Anonymous says: says:
Finally a “man” that admits all men are assholes!
“Can we play it by ear”????? Is he referring to the piano in the corner??? If not, agree and don’t be available when he hasn’t found (or so he thinks) someone better. A few week ends playing XBox and he’ll realize that the only thing he should be “playing by ear” is the piano in the corner.