Ex Marks The Spot
There’s nothing quite as empty as the feeling of… nothing. I’ve never been so fortunate as to have a slew of ex-girlfriends within striking distance of my workplace. In fact, I haven’t been so fortunate as to have a slew of ex-girlfriends, period. If you lined up all the ex-girlfriends I’ve had the past 20 years, you wouldn’t be able to field a basketball team before anyone tattoos a giant L for LOSER on my forehead. I’m the guy at the party who’s not only wearing the blindfold at the piñata, but after they spin me around, I swing at the air. Let’s not forget I have a solid excuse – I was married for a good chunk of my adult life.
I see my ex-wife all of the time, so seeing her ceased being an issue for me a long time ago. In fact, the strangest part of my divorce is both how much time I spend with her family and how comfortable we all are about it, including her husband. The second strangest part of my divorce is how little emotion I do feel toward her when we’re together. This woman and I were married for many years and had kids together… I should feel something in my belly around her, shouldn’t I? And shouldn’t her husband care that I made babies with his wife? It’s either the healthiest divorce of all time or we never belonged together in the first place… uh, never mind.
I can’t stand running into any of the women I’ve dated since I’ve been single. Either I’m riddled with guilt because I ducked out of their lives as quickly as I’d ducked in, or I’m stricken with the fear that this was the one that got away. Nah, probably the first one.
I haven’t seen my last serious girlfriend since we broke up. I’m dreading it, but hardly because of guilt. I’m dreading it because I know my stomach will be doing triple axels the minute I lay eyes on her. We didn’t really end, we just sort of faded away (that seems to be my specialty). Oh and, did I mention, she’s beautiful? What if she looks even better than I remember? What if she’s with another guy? What if, upon laying eyes on her, I’m hit with the tsunami of realization that I totally and completely blew it? I don’t want to deal with these feelings. I don’t want to face my romantic past. I want to leave it where it is… in the past.
Maybe feeling nothing is the best feeling of all.
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Reunited And It Feels So… Nothing
We haven’t talked about this, but I do have a day job. It’s freelance, so I don’t work with the same people all the time. Today I happen to be working with 3 men who have seen me naked. You heard me – that would be three, count ‘em three ex-boyfriends at work with me today. I guess I never took the “Don’t shit where you eat” advice to heart. At different stages in my life, I was crazy about these men. (At least I think I was.) Yet, what do I feel seeing them today? Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. Not a butterfly, not a pang, not even embarrassment (which is what I usually feel). Instead, I feel nothing at all.
Walking in, it was like I was moving down a receiving line of bad memories. Not that the relationships ended poorly (okay, maybe one did), but I don’t need to spend the day with any of them, and not in a million years would I want them comparing notes. I could almost hear them as I walked away – “Did you tap that? Yeah, did you? Yeah, did you? Wait, you too?” My only solace was that I look damn good today – both coming and going. The guys actually don’t look so bad either. In fact, they almost look better than they did when I dated them. One of them is married now. I think he was the one who hugged me the tightest.
In light of my current horny state, one would think the possibility of 3 ex-boyfriends happy to see me would be a welcomed situation. It’s kind of like being able to swing at a piñata without a blindfold on. Basically anywhere you hit, candy will just pour out. Sleeping with an ex is so easy. Because as we all know, sleeping with an ex doesn’t add to your number of lifetime sex partners. It’s like having a free sex pass. You could sleep with 1000 guys, but if you sleep with an ex, and you’d still be at 1000. (No, I haven’t slept with a thousand guys – I was just making a point.) My point being, an ex is pretty much “do-over” sex. There’s none of that “Will he call me after” apprehension, you’re not self-conscious of your naked body parts because he’s already seen it, and there’s no chance of you looking like a slut because you’ve already been there, done that. At best, it’s a great reminder of what was good about your relationship. At worst, it’s a great reminder of why you broke up.
I guess it’s a good thing I don’t feel anything. Call it a near-miss.
Oh and, the blind date guy called yesterday.
I’m sure when your meeting was over they all said, “Why the hell did we let her go”????????