Ex Marks The Spot
October 26th, 2009There’s nothing quite as empty as the feeling of… nothing. I’ve never been so fortunate as to have a slew of ex-girlfriends within striking distance of my workplace. In fact, I haven’t been so fortunate as to have a slew of ex-girlfriends, period. If you lined up all the ex-girlfriends I’ve had the past 20 years, you wouldn’t be able to field a basketball team before anyone tattoos a giant L for LOSER on my forehead. I’m the guy at the party who’s not only wearing the blindfold at the piñata, but after they spin me around, I swing at the air. Let’s not forget I have a solid excuse – I was married for a good chunk of my adult life.
I see my ex-wife all of the time, so seeing her ceased being an issue for me a long time ago. In fact, the strangest part of my divorce is both how much time I spend with her family and how comfortable we all are about it, including her husband. The second strangest part of my divorce is how little emotion I do feel toward her when we’re together. This woman and I were married for many years and had kids together… I should feel something in my belly around her, shouldn’t I? And shouldn’t her husband care that I made babies with his wife? It’s either the healthiest divorce of all time or we never belonged together in the first place… uh, never mind.
I can’t stand running into any of the women I’ve dated since I’ve been single. Either I’m riddled with guilt because I ducked out of their lives as quickly as I’d ducked in, or I’m stricken with the fear that this was the one that got away. Nah, probably the first one.
I haven’t seen my last serious girlfriend since we broke up. I’m dreading it, but hardly because of guilt. I’m dreading it because I know my stomach will be doing triple axels the minute I lay eyes on her. We didn’t really end, we just sort of faded away (that seems to be my specialty). Oh and, did I mention, she’s beautiful? What if she looks even better than I remember? What if she’s with another guy? What if, upon laying eyes on her, I’m hit with the tsunami of realization that I totally and completely blew it? I don’t want to deal with these feelings. I don’t want to face my romantic past. I want to leave it where it is… in the past.
Maybe feeling nothing is the best feeling of all.
