“D” Is For Dumb-Ass
There are so many points where what you’ve been through is just plain WRONG, I truly don’t know where to start. I am left to ask myself, what if this had happened to me. What, if anything could I, or would I, or should I have done to make sure a dream this bad was truly just a dream? I come up as empty as you have.
Under the heading of “the greatest wisdom is often the simplest,” the answer can only be that there is no answer. There is no explanation. As lame as that is, I have even worse news. As far as your average man is concerned, Extra-Large Jerk is not inordinately cruel or evil. In fact, he is a better man than most you’ll come across… a better man with a dumb-ass streak that should make you feel as lucky as you do hurt that your life is no longer going to happen with him.
It’s okay if your boyfriend isn’t that smart… as long as he’s sweet and thoughtful. And it’s okay if your boyfriend isn’t rich or successful… as long as you are, and you never have to ask yourself if he really, really loves you. And it’s okay if your boyfriend isn’t handsome, because women eventually become attracted to the men they fall in love with. What’s never, EVER okay is for your boyfriend to be a dumb-ass. Because nobody likes a dumb-ass. And the thing about a dumb-ass is, he can fool you for a while. He can pull aces when it comes to the first month or two, never exposing his fatal flaw. However, sooner or later it’s guaranteed that a dumb-ass will show his true self. That’s what dumb-asses do and that’s what he did to you.
I know you’re hurt and I know it’s easy to call it from the cheap seats, but you are truly better off. Only a dumb-ass would tell a woman as good-looking as you that she’s not attractive enough for him. Only a dumb-ass would look in the mirror and think he could actually do better than you. Only a dumb-ass would take the lemonade you’ve been serving him this whole time and turn it into lemons. Once you stop believing what he said and stop being angry at him for saying it, you’ll realize this. Within seconds of this realization, you will move on and never look back.
The easiest thing in the world is to believe our worst fears about ourselves. When somebody pushes that button, it resonates to our core… So let it resonate inside you - for a minute. Be the chick with a broken heart – for a minute. But while you’re doing this, remember to tell yourself one thing, out loud, over and over…
“He did me a favor… He did me a favor… He did me a favor.”
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Deal-Breaker? Or Lame Excuse?
Now that a few days have passed since “the dumping” and I am halfway between heartbroken and totally bitter and angry, I am replaying the break-up conversation. Cue groans.
When asked why he dated me in the first place (yes, I asked), he said, “Because I was very taken with your personality and mind. I did not think the other thing was a deal-breaker, but as we went forward I began to have some very difficult internal struggles with what I want.” Excuse me, deal-breaker? Smoking is a deal-breaker for a non-smoker. Drinking is a deal-breaker for a non-drinker. Kids are a deal-breaker for someone who doesn’t want kids. Is a dress size really a deal-breaker to someone who needs to lose 20 pounds himself? Well, I guess that answer is yes.
Now that the whirlwind romance is over, all of the red flags I missed (ignored) are frantically waving at me. 
But oddly enough, at the time none of them were deal-breakers: He was 10 years divorced and his “crazy” ex-wife shredded her wedding dress and shattered their wedding china in front of him when they split up. Alarming – yes, but deal-breaker no. He had an MBA but at 46 was still borrowing money from his parents. A concern – yes, but if my parents offered me piles of cash I would probably take it – so, deal-breaker no. He has porn stars as Facebook friends. Um, okay – that one made me uncomfortable. But, none of these things were true deal-breakers. And certainly not ever a deal-breaker was his average looks.
So what are my deal-breakers? I guess there is just one main one: When someone doesn’t treat me or anyone else in their life with kindness and respect, that’s a deal-breaker. For everything else, who am I to judge? So why did he? And why did he judge so harshly? That one is going to keep me guessing for a while.
Here’s the line I hated the most: “I know you will make some deserving guy very happy.” Huh? Up until 10 seconds ago, you were the deserving guy! Five minutes ago, you had your hands all over me and you were telling me how hot I was. And up until right this minute, you had average boyish good looks and gave me butterflies when you smiled at me. Then all of the sudden, you had beady eyes that were too close together, pasty skin, bad teeth and a double-chin. And you made me cry.
Guess that was the deal-breaker.
