A Clean Slate
For most of my life, I have been teased. Yes, I was teased by my siblings for the usual childhood stuff, but I am most teased about my cleanliness. I guess I’m what you would call a neat freak. So it makes perfect sense that the first thing I do after a relationship ends – is clean. Yes, I clean my house – my closet, my refrigerator, my makeup drawer – but I also clean another house – my man house. After a relationship I clean like I have never cleaned before – to remove the evidence of a time when my heart was open, and vulnerable.
When dealing with loss, it is said that the 5 stages of grief are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When it comes to breakups; my stages are a little different. Not to beat a dead horse, but obviously let’s use my most recent dating disaster as the example:
Stage 1 – Shock. Yep, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Nostradamus could not have predicted the way this ended. I do wish his last image of me had not been one with my mouth hanging open, because it probably was not the most attractive look for me.
Stage 2 – I think this might be where denial comes in, but it’s definitely combined with anger. Did the jerk really just dump me? Really? REALLY?
Stage 3 – Depression. I just got dumped. I’m sad and lonely and I’m never going to get asked out again. I’m going to die an old, lonely, pathetic woman with 6 cats. Wait, maybe it’s because I just took a vow not to leave the house. (Oh, and I don’t have a cat.)
Stage 4 – Anger again. Did the jerk really just dump me? Really? REALLY?
Stage 5 – Drama. Of course I dumped all of his crap into a bag and threw it over his fence. Okay, I placed it over his fence. Neat freak, remember?
Stage 6 – Revenge. Well, to be more accurate, beauty revenge – double workouts, a haircut and a new outfit. I’m going to look GOOD – even though I’ll never run into him again. He’s lived 4 miles from me for 6 years and I met him on an airplane.
Stage 7 – Anger one more time. Did the jerk really just dump me? Really? REALLY?
Stage 8 – Acceptance. He wasn’t the right guy for me. I was just trying to convince myself he was the one. We had nothing in common. I really am happy alone. I love my life. Okay, maybe that stage should be called “denial.”
Stage 9 – Short-term memory. This is the stage where I forget all the mistakes I made, all the red flags I ignored, all the hurt and anger I felt, and I do it all over again. Because at the end of the day, I’m just a girl who wants to fall in love.
A clean slate. I can’t wait for next time.
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Call Me Mr. Clean
There truly is nothing in life as liberating and inspiring as a clean slate. Being a neat freak myself, I can imagine your house as nothing but completely immaculate right now. I’ve cleaned my house under the duress of real life more times than I care to remember and I eventually figured out why and what this signified. A clean slate, yes, but more than that; cleaning our house at times like this means one thing, and one thing only: We’ve lost control of life and we want it back. So we clean, in order to regain control.
I don’t know anything about the classic stages of grief, and when they surface. I do, however, recognize every stage you describe. Emotional devastation is not limited to your gender you know… it’s just that only your gender is willing to admit when it happens. For men, the stages are a little more basic and a little less honest:
STAGE 1: BEING A KNUCKLEHEAD. This is a fun stage because it hits before you know what’s happening to you, and because it almost always involves alcohol. “She wants to slow things down? Be just friends for a while? See other people? I’ll have a shot of tequila and an extra large draft beer… keep ‘em coming… What was her name?”
STAGE 2: SELF-PITY. Men don’t get enough credit for this stage. We’re really good at feeling sorry for ourselves. “How could she do this? I did everything the way she wanted. I treated her like a princess. I was committed to her.” What we tend to forget is that doing what women want and treating them well and committing to them does indeed make us legitimate husband material, but it also makes us really, really boring.
STAGE 3: ANGER. Oh yeah, now we’re talking. Men do anger really, really well. “I was tired of that bitch anyway. I hope that guy she’s fucking instead of me is a total dick. If I ever see her on the street I’m going to key the side of her car.” Not an attractive stage for any man, but very cathartic, nevertheless.
STAGE 4: MOVING ON. This is the light at the end of the tunnel. Douche-bags and pussies never get here, but real men usually do – of course, it doesn’t just happen. We need help. It helps if we see her a year later and she’s gained 30 pounds. It helps if she lost her job and moved back in with her parents. It helps if her new boyfriend is cheating on her and everyone knows it…. But what helps most is the same final stage as yours:
STAGE 5: SHORT-TERM MEMORY. Because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman, young or old, rich or poor… At the end of the day we all get back up and do it again because we’re ALL just a girl or a guy who wants to fall in love.
