The Future – Not
Booty calls are overrated. There, yeah, I said it… I know I’m violating some sort of macho code by saying this, but I still say that booty calls are overrated. Although come to think of it, the last booty call I had still makes me smile, and that was almost three months ago.
You know what’s sexy in a woman? Well, lots of things… but one thing is a woman with the right attitude about booty calls. BTW, this doesn’t mean that “yes,” every time is the right attitude. In fact, the only thing worse than “yes” every time is “no” every time. The right attitude about booty calls for a woman is actually quite similar to the right attitude for a man and entails the following:
SEXUAL HISTORY: There must be sexual history between the two parties. One time qualifes as sexual history, but it must exist. Otherwise, she’s a whore and he’s a douchebag.
BODY HEAT: There must be true lust and desire from both sides… going on a booty call where either or both is simply going thru the motions means the end of this particular booty call. Some booty calls last for 20 years… most don’t.
LAUGHTER: There must be laughter, and lots of it. The first booty call without at least one belly laugh should be the last one… at least, for him or her.
HONESTY: Let’s not play pretend here. Let’s not try and fool ourselves. This is about fucking. It’s actually about good fucking, because that is the single most important part of any booty call. The sex has to be good. It has to last. It has to satisfy. And it has to matter, on whatever level it possibly can.
It’s actually funny… a booty call sounds a lot like a relationship.
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Bye Bye, Booty Call
So there’s this guy… I’ve known him for years, and to put it bluntly, he was a booty call. A sporadic booty call at best, but a booty call nonetheless. And now, he’s a booty call no more, he’s not even a friend. Recently I got a call from a friend — well, I would say co-worker. She asked me about this guy, saying she was emailing him on a dating website, they became Facebook friends and she noticed that I was a mutual friend. She called me to ask about him. So what was I supposed to say? That he’s an asshole, a player, a user, but he was my occasional booty call? That he’s no way someone she should date, that he’s dishonest, superficial, but was my occasional booty call? That he never wants to get married, doesn’t believe in monogamy and thinks women are a dime a dozen, but was my occasional booty call?
“He’s kind of a player,” I said. KIND OF A PLAYER? Boy, was I being nice. She sounded disappointed. “Really?” she said, “He seems so sweet.” Sweet is definitely not a word I would use. The only thing sweet about him is that he leaves before the sun comes up. Now that’s sweet. The even funnier part is that of course with all of this, he starts calling — me. “I’ve been thinking about you,” he said, “Hey, tell me about your friend So and So.” Uh huh.
I got a call from her today. She said, ‘You didn’t tell me you hooked up with him!” She then proceeded to tell me a very detailed description of my “hooking up.” The bastard used me as a notch on his bedpost to show off to her. What a dumbass. When is a guy going to realize it’s not a turn-on for a girl to know that it’s August and you’re in double digits this year? When is a guy going to realize that if you have a sure-thing booty call you may not want to make that public?
I love Facebook.
His wallpost now reads, “Wow. You’re an asshole.”
