Sensitive to Stupidity
Mr. Anti-internet dating couldn’t be happier for you… and himself. You have single-handedly confirmed my every reason for advising run, don’t walk away to any human being I’ve ever met, stranger or friend, when it comes to internet dating. I feel so validated. I feel so smart. I’d prefer it wasn’t at your expense, but what are friends for?
Now that you’ve seen the light, I feel it only fair to give you an advance screening of the alternative. No way do I take back anything I’ve ever said about internet dating. However, there’s always been one question I could never answer when asked by the internet dating populace. “Do you have a better way to meet people?”
Brace yourself because here’s what awaits you:
Most, if not all nights you will spend alone. A trip to CVS for toiletries will be cause for that new, sexy top you bought. The next time you are hugged by a man, it will feel really, really good. Unless it’s a family member. In other words, things aren’t going to get better… they’ll just feel worse, whether they get worse or not. But they will be true. They will be yours, and only yours. You’ll feel like a loser more often than you would like, but each time a friend confides in you about his or her lousy date, or his or her lousy mate, or his or her lousy spouse, you’ll start to feel much better. You’ll start to feel much smarter, too, as if the extremely dim light you thought you saw at the end of the tunnel is finally in view. Most of all, you’ll start to feel hope. It’s the hope only a man or woman with possibilities in life can have.
Either all of this will happen, or you’ll end up in the fetal position, on your couch with the season 3 DVD of Grey’s Anatomy, a pint of Haagen Daz in your lap.
If giving up on the internet for dating doesn’t kill you, it will make you stronger. This, my friend, I promise you.
So, how about dinner at PF Changs to celebrate?
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Sensitive to Insensitivity
I am officially retired from internet dating. Last night I went on a date so bad, it forced me into complete and utter profile destruction. I should have followed my gut (as usual), I knew it wasn’t going to go well, knew I wouldn’t like him, but I had no idea it would be as bad as it was. From the beginning, the red flags were everywhere. He lived way too far away, he talked nonstop about his body, exercise, the fact that he doesn’t drink, and how smart he was. Every part of my being said don’t go, but sometimes a large ego can be mistaken for nervousness, so I went. At 5PM. On a Saturday. To PF Changs. For a $39.95 special. Okay, I’m not that big of a snob, it actually is a great deal to pay $40 for 2 people for dinner. We are in a recession, so it works for me. In fact, I’d love to go again — with someone who isn’t an asshole.
We agreed to meet halfway — it took me 90 minutes and him 25. He looked NOTHING like his pictures. I mean, I think his pictures were of someone else entirely. Remember my face falling theory? Well, this time mine fell so hard on the floor I’m surprised I could even pick it back up. And to top it off, he was quite possibly the rudest person I have ever met. He was rude to the server. Strike one. I mean, he SNAPPED his fingers at her. He called people of my religion “my people.” Strike two. (Of course I had to retaliate on that one and slammed “his people” for eating the Early Bird Special.) He spoke disparagingly of previous dates, talking about how fat and ugly they were, and ending his sentence with, “But you’re perfect.” REALLY? Strike three, you’re out. Our date began at 5:10. It ended at 6:30 with him scraping the leftovers on my plate into his to-go container and charging me $5 extra on the bill for my iced tea and soda water. He walked me out and said, “What should we do now?” I said, “I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I’m going home.” He said, “Oh, are you not feeling well? I’m sorry.”
15 minutes later, I was on my best friend’s couch, slamming beers and playing backgammon. 3 hours later, I was deleting my profile for good. Say goodnight, Gracie.
